Eye Bubble

Here is Robert a few hours after coming home from eye surgery.

Here he is a couple days later wearing his pirate patch!

Wow. Another day or two makes a big difference. Robert said last night that the “bubble” in his eye seemed smaller. This morning he said it is a lot smaller. Thank goodness. Just in time – he is getting very tired of the large bubble always seeking “level”. This afternoon he said it is a quarter of the size it was. This is good news! He even stopped wearing his pirate patch because he can see enough better, it is easier to balance with both eyes open. Everything is still very blurry with the left eye, but hopefully it will improve soon…enough that he can drive safely by the end of the week would be nice.
There is one little problem though. He said this morning there is a new ‘floater’ in his peripheral vision – a small black dot moving around. All day long he is thinking there is a fly or gnat flying around his head. So, if you see him swatting at flies on his left side, you will know the floater is still there!
We went to see his cardiologist today. This was a visit to get results on the echocardiogram he had last week. Dr. says it all looks great, except his blood pressure is running too high. We noticed it started creeping up last spring when he went off one medication and increased another. That was supposed to help stop the weight gain, which it did stabilize it, but it also means his blood pressure numbers have gone up. Dr. put him onto another medication…a rather expensive one at that. Thankful again for good insurance.
Tomorrow’s appointment is with a neurologist. The pain in his hands and feet led the “podiatrist” to refer him to the neurologist for a nerve conduction study on his feet. That’s great for his feet, but what about his hands? The podiatrist can’t refer him for a nerve study on his hands because, well, he only deals with feet. So back to the primary doctor for a referral for a nerve conduction study on his hands as well. Tomorrow is the day for both - I think I will sit this one out. But I will go with him on Wednesday back to the retina specialist because I want to hear what he says about the “fly” buzzing around his head. Whew. Three appointments in three days. Some weeks I have a hard time keeping up with this man.
Thanks for the prayers,

~Jeanette

My Pirate

July 31, 2009

Robert asked me this morning, “what is it like, sleeping with a pirate?”! He has been a very good pirate too. I marvel at how patient and cooperative he has been with the whole eye surgery thing. I would be doing a heap of whining and complaining. In fact, I can hardly look at the eye, being all black and blue, red and swollen. He has three different eye drops to put in, some of them 4 times a day, and some twice. We have a chart to keep track and alarms set on his phone to remind him. I’m such a wimp, I can’t even do it for him. He can pull back the lower lid and drop it in without having to look at the bruises. The most challenging thing is the gas bubble inside his eye…he says he feels like a human “level”. Because that is what it is doing – always seeking to be level, and he can see it constantly, even when his eyes are shut. A glowing, bluish, purplish bubble, floating and turning and rocking back and forth inside his eye. He said yesterday he was going to take a nap, because sleeping is the only relief from the “level”. It is supposed to go away, but we don’t know the timetable for that. Meanwhile, he only has very blurry vision with his eye so far. How he endures it, I don’t know. But then, we are talking about a man who also was not completely ‘asleep’ for the surgery itself. In recovery, after they called me back to sit with him, he asked the Dr, “was I actually seeing the tweezers inside my eye, pulling the membrane out, because it looked like that was what I was seeing”. Oh my. And the Dr. said, “well, it was actually the shadow of the tweezers you could see.” Yikes. I don’t know how he did it…in fact, he said he had conversation throughout most of the surgery. Can you imagine, chatting with instruments inside your eyeball? Yep, he makes a good pirate!

~Jeanette
P.S. thankfully it was 58 degrees this morning and our high inside the house yesterday was only about 84 :)

Relief

Our patient has done marvelously well today. It is not easy to have one eye patched. Try watching TV or reading email with just one eye. But as the temperature climbed into the upper 80’s inside our house this afternoon, I suggested we escape to the coast for the rest of the day. At first he didn’t want to go, but then the heat won. All of a sudden, he was claustrophobic…and could not stand to be inside (90◦) or outside (104◦). We hurriedly invited mom and dad to join us, threw the dog in and we left for the coast. We enjoyed watching the temperature drop as we drove…and could see the fog bank up ahead. We arrived at Otis and noticed there were only 2 cars at the Café. The fog had just drifted in, it was 64 degrees and safe to leave Sadie in the van, so we went in and ate dinner. We hit the lull just right – soon the parking lot and tables were all full, as is the norm at this small, popular hole-in-the-wall. Great dinner and great marionberry pie. Fortunately, Robert went to the restroom just before she brought dessert, so I slid into the booth and that meant he was on my right when he got back – harder for him to watch me eat the great pie ala mode. The new advantage of the patched left eye!
On we went into Lincoln City, foggy and 59 degrees! Yea! We took Sadie for a short walk on the beach and watched the waves, while Robert sat in the car with the window down. Ahhhhh. Refreshment…relief. Exactly what we all needed. To get out from under the relentless heat. To experience a change. To be reminded that God alone knows when we can not take the trial or tension anymore, and he brings respite at exactly the right time.
Whoops! A wall of heat, 92 degrees of heat, hit us as we open our door back home. Ah, but the break, the refreshment, the respite enables us to endure once again.

~Jeanette

Eye Surgery

Eye Surgery
Well, I brought Robert home by 10:45 am and the surgery went just as the doctor had planned. He has a dot drawn above his left eye, so they didn’t operate on the right eye by mistake, and he has an eye patch with an eye shield (metal) over the patch. Looks like a pirate, except the top cover is royal blue instead of black. There can be advantages to him wearing an eye patch, for me that is…I always feel guilty eating high carb food around him, because he can’t have it. But driving home today, with the patch on his left eye and sitting in the passenger seat, he couldn’t see me eating my marionberry scone from Great Harvest Bread! He will keep the patch on today and tonight, and then he only needs to wear it at night for the next week or so. The biggest “nurse-y” thing I have to do is putting in eye drops, but that doesn’t start until tomorrow.
Robert’s diagnosis was Macular pucker (Epiretinal membrane) and he had a surgery that is called a Vitrectomy or a membrane peel. The initial step in this procedure is the removal of the vitreous gel through very small incisions in the eye wall, hence the name "vitrectomy". Then a gas is injected into the eye and the membrane is carefully removed…”carefully” because it is intricately attached to the retina and can easily tear it when being pulled away. Here is a link for you who like to read such things: http://www.salemretina.com/info/disease/epiretinal_membrane/index.php Of course, the cause of his Macular pucker is Diabetic Retinopathy. The injected gas will remain in the eye for up to 2 months, and is eventually replaced by the eye’s own natural fluid. During the first week, he should not bend over at the waist, lift, pull or do anything that could change the pressure in his eye…and for the next 2 months he should not travel by airplane or travel over 3000 feet above sea level. Shucks, there go our plans to fly to Italy and to climb Mt. Hood this summer. So far, the worst part of all of this is the heat wave we are experiencing…3 days over 100 so far, 105 yesterday, expecting 107 today and the same or so tomorrow. It is not cooling much at night, so without air conditioning our high has been 92 INSIDE the house…low about 78. Robert may be okay if he just sits in a chair and doesn’t move.
We are so thankful for good insurance, good doctors, and a good God. This surgery is relatively new, and without it vision progressively gets worse. With it, vision should stabilize and his doctor is hopeful it will actually improve vision. It will be a bit before the verdict is in on the improvement…the gas distorts vision for awhile. The other downside of this surgery? Development of cataracts is sped up. He can expect to need cataract surgery in 3 to 5 years instead of the normal 7 to 10 at his age. But since no one knows God’s plan…we keep trusting His will and good purpose. Thanks for continuing to walk with us.

~Jeanette

Eyes

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Robert’s follow-up visit to the retina specialist in June revealed that the right eye responded well to the laser treatment – his vision actually slightly improved in that eye. However, the left eye didn’t do so well. In the left eye the retina has formed a membrane, sort of a scar of sorts, and the laser treatment was not able to penetrate the membrane to relieve the swelling of fluid behind it. This is affecting vision and it will continue to worsen until the membrane is removed. He will have the surgery to remove the membrane on Wednesday, July 29th, early in the morning. Your prayers are greatly appreciated as there is risk to the retina in this surgery.

30th Anniversary Trip

July 24, 2009
Ahhhhh…I am sitting at the edge of the McKenzie River in an Adirondack chair, watching an enormous amount of water rapidly flow by. It is a beautiful, sunny, quite warm day, but the cool breeze here close to the water as well as the shade from the tall trees are protecting me from the heat. Robert and I arrived here at McKenzie Bridge last night and are staying four nights in a cabin right here on the river. The word cabin can bring many images to mind. For instance, “cabin” last summer at Camp Fresno, meant rustic, built in the 1920’s, with sleeping bags thrown onto old mattresses on top of squeaky metal springs. It had a kitchen, but the kind you expect to find critters occupying – having full access through the many holes in the single board siding covering the walls. What made it “deluxe” was the fact that electricity had been added some years ago, so it had a refrigerator, stove and single light bulbs hanging in the center of each room…and more recently, a bathroom with toilet and shower had been added on to the sloping backside.
“Cabin” here at Inn at the Bridge is a completely different image! Built in 2006, it is akin to an upscale hotel – a two story house, with 2 bedrooms / 2 baths, full kitchen, satellite TV and air conditioning. It has a screened-in porch across the front, with a gorgeous view of the river a mere 40 yards away. The only thing missing is internet service! This is a perfect getaway for us this year – a greatly appreciated gift from our kids, family and friends for our 30th anniversary. Our favorite summer trip is to Riverside Campground on the Santiam River – pitching a tent just yards from the water…but that would not be possible this summer. Life has changed dramatically since pancreatitis 10 months ago. We still don’t know if Robert will continue to improve or if this is now his new normal. Oh, the pancreas has healed up well, but the side effects and resulting damage continues on. Last night, after we unpacked and scoped out the surroundings, Robert tried to get comfortable on the couch. Just the extra walking, riding in the car, lifting and carrying had made the pain in his hands, wrists and feet considerably worse. The scar from the healed bedsore still makes it difficult to sit comfortably as well. Then there was the issue of continually trying to get his eyes to focus as we watched the NFL channel.
The packing and set-up of a camping trip is definitely out of the question. So here we sit with all the sights and sounds we love when we go camping, but all the amenities needed for this stage in life.
Ahhhh…There is something restorative about listening to the sounds of a river. Perhaps it is the unending flow…the ever-present sound of the rapids…the view that leaves one wondering where all that water comes from. It just keeps coming, and coming, and coming. A lot like the love, forgiveness and mercy of our Father. The never-ending grace, that never runs out. That describes my experience this past 10 months. We’ve gone through many changes in lifestyle, but we have found His grace keeps flowing, going deeper than any change in circumstance, no matter how painful. What a blessing. Much like this unexpected, unplanned gift we are enjoying, here by the riverside.

Delusions, Deceptions and other Disturbing Thoughts

Delusions, Deceptions and other Disturbing Thoughts
(Thoughts that have been rolling around in my head for months now)

WARNING: Lengthy post!
Delusions
The mind is powerful and fascinating. It just amazes me what we can be convinced is true when it is not at all. When Robert was “waking up” from his induced coma, he began talking about the experiences he had been through. The first one he shared was also the first one that later dawned on him that it had been a delusion. He told the nurse he had been on the farm and didn’t know where I (his wife) had gone while he was on the farm…so the nurse called me back to come see him. She met me outside the room and asked if we lived on a farm. I said no, and she explained to me his thinking, and how it is common for someone coming off the ventilator to be confused and to have some hallucinations and / or delusions. As I sat by his bed and listened to him talk, (leaning across him as far as I could because he was barely whispering) it was fascinating to hear his story. When I asked if he was on Grandpa’s farm, he said no, it was the one with the Care Center next door…”you know, the big orange building right next to the farm.” He stayed at the farm so he could visit me, in the care center (oh, so I was the one in the bed, not him!) and our kids had to give him a haircut, because I couldn’t do it. Then, when he went to the beach, “to get his tube taken out”, I stayed at the farm, and I was very thankful for it because they took good care of me there. When I asked him about going to the beach, he explained that he had to go to that lean-to in the back of Safeway in Lincoln City, so the doctor could take out that tube – “you know, the short tube”. By then his nurse, who is standing at the foot of the bed out of Robert’s sight, is just cracking up with laughter…I am trying to stifle my own chuckles, without much success. Fortunately, Robert is talking with his eyes closed most of the time, so he is not noticing. He would pause for awhile and then open his eyes and ask me, "when did we come back from the farm?" Or, "when did we get home from the beach?" It was very real to him…he believed he had been to the farm and the beach. And he was so confused about how he got in the hospital…he would say things like, "how did I get here?" "When did I come here – was it on the way back from the farm?" Fortunately, Robert’s delusion was temporary – in about 48 hours he understood the drugs had induced “the farm”, as well as the trip to the beach, the being held captive by an underground organization, the making his way out of bed with someone finding him laying on the chairs in the back of the hospital where they store the old furniture, and the time spent helping in a shelter in Falls City! He has some interesting stories to tell about where he had been!
I, on the other hand, did not have the excuse of being under the influence of drugs on the day I experienced my own powerful delusion. There was a time period, along about Day 8 or 9, when I kept remembering things that occurred “when Robert was in that other room”. The problem was, Robert had always been in the same room, yet in my mind, I could picture a different room – it was arranged differently, the door entered from a different direction, and I could picture going down a different hall to get to it. Over and over I had the same thoughts that day about “the other room”. The confusion would come when I tried to picture where it actually was – which hall I took to get to it – I couldn’t quite remember! It wasn’t drugs, but it was tiredness and stress that put me under a delusion, where I couldn’t sort out reality. It was so powerful in my mind that today I still can picture the other room.

Deception
Over and over the Dr’s and nurses asked me if Robert was a “drinker”. Over and over I told them “no, he does not drink”. At first we all had a few chuckles over the thought of Robert drinking without our knowledge. One time, several days into it, the doctor took my arm and said to me, “I can’t believe you – you are not with him all the time. I have to treat him for alcohol withdrawal, because if I don’t, things will be worse for him.” It went from humorous, to irritating, to disbelief – I have never had someone accuse me of repeatedly being untruthful, especially about drinking in excess, something I would take very seriously. Several nurses told me that I was being repeatedly asked about it because so many families will deny there is any problem. But then, when the patient “wakes up”, the first thing they ask for is a “drink”. We will never know, but perhaps being under heavier sedation to treat the “alcohol withdrawal”, helped Robert’s body to recover…it no doubt made it take longer for him to “wake up”. I had been told from the beginning that Robert’s kidneys would fail – perhaps God used the deeper coma to preserve them, along with the fact that he didn’t drink!

Disturbing Thoughts
As I reflect on my experience with the assumed alcoholism, I wonder about how many are not willing to admit a family member drinks. Imagine having a son, a wife, a father, a brother, laying in ICU with a life-threatening condition and you cannot bring yourself to admit the truth about their drinking. Imagine being dishonest – lying – living in denial, living-out a deception, all in order to avoid the shame and embarrassment connected with an addiction to alcohol. I personally can’t relate to that particular issue, but it makes me wonder how often I am “deceptive” by being evasive or by giving someone a response I know they want to hear instead of being totally up front – hiding from a confrontation or pretending all is fine. How often do I share only what I want someone else to know in order to show myself in a better light? How often do I continue to live in denial by hiding the truth, because of shame and embarrassment? Things such as bad habits and addictive behaviors, broken relationships, secret resentment, mental illness, family dysfunction, and the list could go on and on. Denial "solves" problems by keeping them out of sight, disguising painful truths – which in reality means nothing is solved at all.

Even more disturbing is the thought of living under a delusion – totally believing something that is false to be true. If someone lives openly with such a delusion, we call them insane and give them medication. But what about delusions that our society does not label insanity, that many people live by, totally convinced they are true. Delusions like “money buys happiness” or “all religions worship the same God” or “there is no such thing as truth” or that "this life is all there is”. Or what about “simple” delusions, like living with the belief "that I will have time later to get to the important things", or more “serious” delusions, such as believing “God will give me mercy even though I refuse to offer mercy to the one who has wronged me”. I hate the thought of living under a delusion and I especially hate learning I have been deceived…but when I’m honest, I see my own efforts to cover up my wrong, to conveniently forget my wrong-doing, to downplay my part in wrong, so that others are deluded into thinking something different about me.

When I’m honest, I come face to face with my guilt and shame and it is unbearable…which is why I was in denial – it is in our very nature to “hide” what we do not want discovered…to put forward an image we would rather others see. And we live ‘trapped’ in our denial and delusions, so no one knows the truth.

There is One before whom nothing is hidden.
Who uncovers the hidden things by shining light into the darkness.
Who invites us to live in freedom by walking in truth.
One who offers to each of us, “Let me carry that – I’ve already suffered and endured the guilt and shame so you don’t have to bear it.”

Denial can be so strong it feels like truth…delusions can be so powerful they alter behavior. But just as an honest response receives the appropriate treatment in ICU, honesty before our Maker also brings complete and total release from denial and delusions – forgiveness and mercy and grace are ours when we ‘fess up. The truth, painful as it may be, brings freedom…and healing…and restoration.

P.S. Robert is well on the road to recovery but still thinks he was in 3 different rooms in ICU!