Delusions, Deceptions and other Disturbing Thoughts

Delusions, Deceptions and other Disturbing Thoughts
(Thoughts that have been rolling around in my head for months now)

WARNING: Lengthy post!
Delusions
The mind is powerful and fascinating. It just amazes me what we can be convinced is true when it is not at all. When Robert was “waking up” from his induced coma, he began talking about the experiences he had been through. The first one he shared was also the first one that later dawned on him that it had been a delusion. He told the nurse he had been on the farm and didn’t know where I (his wife) had gone while he was on the farm…so the nurse called me back to come see him. She met me outside the room and asked if we lived on a farm. I said no, and she explained to me his thinking, and how it is common for someone coming off the ventilator to be confused and to have some hallucinations and / or delusions. As I sat by his bed and listened to him talk, (leaning across him as far as I could because he was barely whispering) it was fascinating to hear his story. When I asked if he was on Grandpa’s farm, he said no, it was the one with the Care Center next door…”you know, the big orange building right next to the farm.” He stayed at the farm so he could visit me, in the care center (oh, so I was the one in the bed, not him!) and our kids had to give him a haircut, because I couldn’t do it. Then, when he went to the beach, “to get his tube taken out”, I stayed at the farm, and I was very thankful for it because they took good care of me there. When I asked him about going to the beach, he explained that he had to go to that lean-to in the back of Safeway in Lincoln City, so the doctor could take out that tube – “you know, the short tube”. By then his nurse, who is standing at the foot of the bed out of Robert’s sight, is just cracking up with laughter…I am trying to stifle my own chuckles, without much success. Fortunately, Robert is talking with his eyes closed most of the time, so he is not noticing. He would pause for awhile and then open his eyes and ask me, "when did we come back from the farm?" Or, "when did we get home from the beach?" It was very real to him…he believed he had been to the farm and the beach. And he was so confused about how he got in the hospital…he would say things like, "how did I get here?" "When did I come here – was it on the way back from the farm?" Fortunately, Robert’s delusion was temporary – in about 48 hours he understood the drugs had induced “the farm”, as well as the trip to the beach, the being held captive by an underground organization, the making his way out of bed with someone finding him laying on the chairs in the back of the hospital where they store the old furniture, and the time spent helping in a shelter in Falls City! He has some interesting stories to tell about where he had been!
I, on the other hand, did not have the excuse of being under the influence of drugs on the day I experienced my own powerful delusion. There was a time period, along about Day 8 or 9, when I kept remembering things that occurred “when Robert was in that other room”. The problem was, Robert had always been in the same room, yet in my mind, I could picture a different room – it was arranged differently, the door entered from a different direction, and I could picture going down a different hall to get to it. Over and over I had the same thoughts that day about “the other room”. The confusion would come when I tried to picture where it actually was – which hall I took to get to it – I couldn’t quite remember! It wasn’t drugs, but it was tiredness and stress that put me under a delusion, where I couldn’t sort out reality. It was so powerful in my mind that today I still can picture the other room.

Deception
Over and over the Dr’s and nurses asked me if Robert was a “drinker”. Over and over I told them “no, he does not drink”. At first we all had a few chuckles over the thought of Robert drinking without our knowledge. One time, several days into it, the doctor took my arm and said to me, “I can’t believe you – you are not with him all the time. I have to treat him for alcohol withdrawal, because if I don’t, things will be worse for him.” It went from humorous, to irritating, to disbelief – I have never had someone accuse me of repeatedly being untruthful, especially about drinking in excess, something I would take very seriously. Several nurses told me that I was being repeatedly asked about it because so many families will deny there is any problem. But then, when the patient “wakes up”, the first thing they ask for is a “drink”. We will never know, but perhaps being under heavier sedation to treat the “alcohol withdrawal”, helped Robert’s body to recover…it no doubt made it take longer for him to “wake up”. I had been told from the beginning that Robert’s kidneys would fail – perhaps God used the deeper coma to preserve them, along with the fact that he didn’t drink!

Disturbing Thoughts
As I reflect on my experience with the assumed alcoholism, I wonder about how many are not willing to admit a family member drinks. Imagine having a son, a wife, a father, a brother, laying in ICU with a life-threatening condition and you cannot bring yourself to admit the truth about their drinking. Imagine being dishonest – lying – living in denial, living-out a deception, all in order to avoid the shame and embarrassment connected with an addiction to alcohol. I personally can’t relate to that particular issue, but it makes me wonder how often I am “deceptive” by being evasive or by giving someone a response I know they want to hear instead of being totally up front – hiding from a confrontation or pretending all is fine. How often do I share only what I want someone else to know in order to show myself in a better light? How often do I continue to live in denial by hiding the truth, because of shame and embarrassment? Things such as bad habits and addictive behaviors, broken relationships, secret resentment, mental illness, family dysfunction, and the list could go on and on. Denial "solves" problems by keeping them out of sight, disguising painful truths – which in reality means nothing is solved at all.

Even more disturbing is the thought of living under a delusion – totally believing something that is false to be true. If someone lives openly with such a delusion, we call them insane and give them medication. But what about delusions that our society does not label insanity, that many people live by, totally convinced they are true. Delusions like “money buys happiness” or “all religions worship the same God” or “there is no such thing as truth” or that "this life is all there is”. Or what about “simple” delusions, like living with the belief "that I will have time later to get to the important things", or more “serious” delusions, such as believing “God will give me mercy even though I refuse to offer mercy to the one who has wronged me”. I hate the thought of living under a delusion and I especially hate learning I have been deceived…but when I’m honest, I see my own efforts to cover up my wrong, to conveniently forget my wrong-doing, to downplay my part in wrong, so that others are deluded into thinking something different about me.

When I’m honest, I come face to face with my guilt and shame and it is unbearable…which is why I was in denial – it is in our very nature to “hide” what we do not want discovered…to put forward an image we would rather others see. And we live ‘trapped’ in our denial and delusions, so no one knows the truth.

There is One before whom nothing is hidden.
Who uncovers the hidden things by shining light into the darkness.
Who invites us to live in freedom by walking in truth.
One who offers to each of us, “Let me carry that – I’ve already suffered and endured the guilt and shame so you don’t have to bear it.”

Denial can be so strong it feels like truth…delusions can be so powerful they alter behavior. But just as an honest response receives the appropriate treatment in ICU, honesty before our Maker also brings complete and total release from denial and delusions – forgiveness and mercy and grace are ours when we ‘fess up. The truth, painful as it may be, brings freedom…and healing…and restoration.

P.S. Robert is well on the road to recovery but still thinks he was in 3 different rooms in ICU!