Sunday November 9...6:30 pm

This has been a relatively uneventful day. Robert may think otherwise since he was awakened at 4:30 am when they moved in a new roommate. He didn't get very much sleep after that. The roommate has proved to be quite interesting...he is a talker and is so eager to talk he doesn't like the curtain closed between us! Over dinner tonight Robert put his mental health screening skills to use as he listened to him pour out his problems. Between observing his co-workers in the ER when we arrived Thursday do a mental health screening on the bed next to him and watching him here in the room, this hospital stint has turned into 'take your wife to work day'! Robert and his new roomie are still talking, now about politics. Yikes. I was getting nervous there for a bit. They found out they have something in common - pancreatitis...and, surprise, his was caused by alcohol. Now they have heart procedures to compare. I think this is a good night for me to leave early...Robert will be very entertained! He may not even notice I'm gone :) And Robert seems to have a calming effect on him.
The plan is still to have the ablation procedure in the morning as far as we know. He has stayed in sinus rhythm all weekend and has been relatively stable. For the angiogram on Friday, they entered an artery in his groin and put a catheter up into the heart. For the ablation tomorrow, they will enter a vein in his groin and put a catheter up into the heart. I'm glad I reminded the Dr the vein has a vena cava filter...he had forgotten he will need to maneuver past it. Sounds to me like we need extra prayers!
We've already had 5 nurses in 3 days...and tonight's shift will be number 6. We will probably mention our concern about 'continuity of care' again when we go through discharge. They are all great nurses but you have to tell your story again each shift and make sure they are tracking everything. Once again, I'm reminded how grateful I am for an Advocate that knows everything about us and speaks up for us.
I'll keep you posted tomorrow and please say those extra prayers.

~Jeanette

“Scary” Thought

written during the early hours of November 9th

I had a scary thought last night. What if pancreatitis is good? I have hated pancreatitis from the day I first learned about it and the hatred grew with every step of Robert’s “decline” in ICU. When a person has several drinks a day for years, pancreatitis comes as a result of damage from the alcohol – it can be expected and predicted. When a gall stone gets impacted in a precise location in the body, that too can cause pancreatitis, and that is understandable. But when you don’t drink and there is no gall stone, and there seems to be no concrete reason, it is just a horrible, awful, condition that comes out of the blue and changes your life. And because the incredible pain, threat to life, time lost, financial cost, and ugly outcomes (like insulin dependent diabetes) all seem bad, I put pancreatitis into my bad things “box”…because I like things in boxes, neat and tidy.

I first had little tiny thoughts that there may be some “good” in pancreatitis, when someone commented on a blog and let me know that it had encouraged them. My thoughts were something like, thank you Lord for a positive in the midst of an awful.

And I certainly called it “good” as I experienced God’s comfort through the arms of friends and family, and through their generosity – giving food, gift cards, money, time and prayers. But those things, I thought, all reflected only the goodness of God in coming to me in my time of need, and I still hated pancreatitis.

The thoughts of “good” grew a bit bigger when Rosanna and I grabbed the mail out of our mailbox on our way to the hospital on Monday morning, September 8th – day five in ICU, day two on the ventilator. In the mail that day was a sermon on CD – I said open it and see what it’s about. We both gasped when she read me the title: “The Painful Discipline of the Father”. I said I’m not sure I want to hear that and she agreed…but we decided we should. We didn’t hear nearly all the message on Hebrews 12 that morning, but we heard enough that I remember thinking: could there be some “higher” purpose in pancreatitis? In the timing…in the pain…in the uncertainty of it all? Over the next two weeks, during almost every trip to and from the hospital, I would listen to that sermon, and at night I would read the passage it was based on – “Do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son/daughter. Endure hardship as discipline.” As I read and as I listened, and as I walked on this journey, something began to stir in me. I wondered if all of this was a discipline…a correction…a training; all sent out of love from my Father. So that when I saw changes in family dynamics – positive changes among loved ones, I said, well, some good has come out of this bad thing. When bad habits began being replaced with good habits, in our home and in our lives, I recognized this is good.

The thought that a bad thing may be good really gathered steam when kidney stones led Robert to the urologist and that led to needing a biopsy…and the Dr said I’m not going to do anything about the kidney stones, but I’m so glad you requested an exam.

Then, when Robert’s heart went into a-fib flutter and we ended up in the hospital once again and some serious heart disease was discovered and stents were put in…
Driving home just before midnight, I know right where I was on the highway when I had the thought, this is good…it is so very good that the nodule was found. And now it is soooo good that heart disease was discovered and treated before he had a serious cardiac event. And, wow, this could be two major health issues that may not have been detected if it were not for pancreatitis…wow, this is good. And my very next thought was “pancreatitis is good”…and that jolted me…because that would mean that I can be thankful for pancreatitis. This could mean that God, in His mercy and grace, planned pancreatitis…the timing of it, the severity of it, the cost of it…yes, even the pain of it? What if, out of His love, He gave Robert exactly what he needed, at the exact time and with the exact severity required, in order to “unveil” other issues that needed attention. While at the very same time, He was using it in my life, our children’s’ lives, other lives – to change and fix, train and correct, repair and restore…and he is not finished yet. And that would mean I could take pancreatitis out of my bad things “box” and put it in my good things “box”.
And that’s just scary.
But a “good” scary…not one that makes me panicked or terrified or want to run away and hide, but a “scary” that does make me tremble, and kneel, and fills me with awe as my God appears bigger and bigger…when I let Him out of my “box”.

“Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons…but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in His holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” Hebrews 12:7, 10-11

Saturday November 8...5:00 pm

Robert and I both got a good night's sleep last night. I very wisely chose to go home rather than staying here, even though Robert would have rather I stayed. If he had a private room I would have stayed, but with another man in the room it just didn't feel right! Glad I went home because Robert said he had the best nights sleep in 6 weeks - he sure didn't need me to be there! I enjoyed my own bed and sleeping in. Turns out, the other patient in his room was moved today to a different floor. Now Robert is the only one in what could be a ward of three. We went for a walk around the loop at 3:00 in the afternoon, instead of 3 am like the last time. We are enjoying a rainy Saturday watching football...saw University of Oregon win, now the Beavs are beating UCLA. When was the last time we did this on a Saturday?!? This is just a catch our breath day. Robert is taking lots of medications and still being monitored. So far his heart is staying in sinus rhythm. My folks and Robby came for a short visit. Robert is thinking about what he will order for dinner - they don't make him count carbs here, so he is contemplating taking advantage of that. Bad boy! He has sat a lot in the recliner today, looking out the window, even though this room doesn't have a great view. It looks out across the street at the new building that will be finished by May 09. The nurse said there won't be any rooms like this one in the new building; they will all be private rooms. The way she said it made it sound like she was implying that next time Robert could have a private room...like we are "hoping" for a next time to find out!

~Jeanette

Friday November 7...7:30 pm

We didn't get to see the Dr that actually did the angiogram today - he checked out early for the weekend! But we did see his partner and he explained that the right coronary artery was 75 - 85 % blocked and the left circumflex artery was 90 % blocked. Whew. The Dr seriously asked Robert during the procedure if he wanted bypass surgery or stents. I'm glad he was coherent enough to say stents! The Dr this evening said that was a good choice..."we can always do bypass surgery in the future if needed." I think that this looks like the mercy of God protecting Robert from a major heart attack. His anxiety over the upcoming biopsy alone could very well have created some major problems. Instead now the dreaded angiogram is all done, and he will have a total of 3 procedures with one bridge (that must be a bargain). As long as 3 procedures in 5 days doesn't do him in! Isn't that just like our Maker - He gives us one thing to prepare us and get us ready for the next. One stress strengthens us for the next stress, just like the roots of a tree going deeper during the storm. Our job is just to keep trusting in the work of the Father. I love the mercy of our God.

~Jeanette

Friday November 7...2:45 pm

The cardiologist just stopped by and said they found that Robert has numerous "lesions" (blockages) in his arteries. They stented the two most significant, with various lengths in each. He also was not nearly as excited as I about his heart returning to sinus rhythm...he said it will go a-fib again so he needs to have the ablation done. The sooner the better...but it's the weekend :( His recommendation was to stay put here and have the procedure done first thing Monday morning. He anticipates discharge late that afternoon, in plenty of time to go home and get some sleep and then have his biopsy on Tuesday morning! So nice that all of this can be done on the same "bridge"...I'm content to stay put knowing that if he went home and flipped to a-fib again, we would repeat last night. Better he already be here!
Thanks for continuing on our roller coaster ride.

~Jeanette

Friday November 7...2:00pm

Right when we thought the car was coasting to a stop, we hit an unexpected turn. Last night after dinner, Robert noticed he felt like he had drank too much caffiene, but he hadn't had any. When I, the inexperienced, felt for his pulse I could tell it was not normal. I suggested we go to ER (Dallas) but he said no, it costs too much. So I said I would call a nurse friend...and after several tries, I found one - she came over with her stethoscope and confirmed a very rapid (148), irregular pulse. We reached the cardiologist on call and he said to get him into ER (Salem) right away. With a pulse of 148, blood pressure of 177/125 and an arrhythmic EKG, he got a lot of attention! His heart was once again in an a-fib flutter. Once the right medication was in his system, everything settled down (although still in a-fib) and they thought he would go home. But alas, the enzymes had risen a tiny bit, so they moved him to 4th floor. This morning his cardiologist ordered the angiogram for today, instead of a week from today. He also planned to do an ablation to restore sinus rhythm. Well, Robert is now back in his room resting after having two stents put in. He had significant blockage in two arteries. The great news right now is that when they got the stent in place on the left side and full blood flow was restored, sinus rhythm returned! Turns out the blockage was right in the area of the heart that controls rhythm and evidently it wasn't getting enough blood flow. I haven't talked to the Dr yet, but I'm sure they'll keep an eye on him and if he stays in sinus rhythm, he probably won't need the ablation (she says hopefully!). I think we may be seeing the hand of God at work - perhaps the biopsy scheduled for Tuesday was going to be too much on his heart, so God said, nope, the angiogram needs to be done first! When I look at the "before" and "after" pictures, I am certain he was protected from a major heart event. Though it was hard to come in last night, back in the hospital with all its noises, smells, and memories, and scary to face again the uncertainty of what was going on, restored blood flow to the heart is a good thing! Thank you to our Maker who orchestrates all things for His Glory.

~Jeanette

Monday November 3...10:00 pm

Today we learned that Robert's stress test showed there is some "slowing on the back side of his heart". So the cardiologist ordered an angiogram to pinpoint the extent of blockage. This cardiologist won't do the angiogram, because he only does "electrical", so he is sending Robert to a partner that does "plumbing". See, I'm still learning medical terms! We did not get a date scheduled yet, but we are hopeful that it can be done next week during the same "bridge" for his biopsy. I think that would be an arrangement by God to get in that quickly, so please pray for His intervention. We did not hear from the surgeon today regarding the scan. Hopefully tomorrow. I'm rather tired of waiting...I feel like I have been "waiting" since this whole scenario began, only in the hospital we would wait hours for tests or results, now we wait weeks. The hours in the hospital often seemed like days or weeks...which reminds me of a puzzle that I still haven't solved. I jotted down this note about "time" after Robert had been in the hospital for a couple of weeks and ran across it recently: "Every hour goes by fast, but the days are so long"...how do you explain that?!? Waiting. To wait can mean to "remain"...I find myself needing to choose to remain in a place of trust, when it would be easy to choose to wait in a place of anxiety. I can choose to trust when I remember the words of my friend Wendy - "we are only waiting to find out what God already knows". Nothing catches our God by surprise...I think I can sleep on that tonight!

~Jeanette