“Scary” Thought

written during the early hours of November 9th

I had a scary thought last night. What if pancreatitis is good? I have hated pancreatitis from the day I first learned about it and the hatred grew with every step of Robert’s “decline” in ICU. When a person has several drinks a day for years, pancreatitis comes as a result of damage from the alcohol – it can be expected and predicted. When a gall stone gets impacted in a precise location in the body, that too can cause pancreatitis, and that is understandable. But when you don’t drink and there is no gall stone, and there seems to be no concrete reason, it is just a horrible, awful, condition that comes out of the blue and changes your life. And because the incredible pain, threat to life, time lost, financial cost, and ugly outcomes (like insulin dependent diabetes) all seem bad, I put pancreatitis into my bad things “box”…because I like things in boxes, neat and tidy.

I first had little tiny thoughts that there may be some “good” in pancreatitis, when someone commented on a blog and let me know that it had encouraged them. My thoughts were something like, thank you Lord for a positive in the midst of an awful.

And I certainly called it “good” as I experienced God’s comfort through the arms of friends and family, and through their generosity – giving food, gift cards, money, time and prayers. But those things, I thought, all reflected only the goodness of God in coming to me in my time of need, and I still hated pancreatitis.

The thoughts of “good” grew a bit bigger when Rosanna and I grabbed the mail out of our mailbox on our way to the hospital on Monday morning, September 8th – day five in ICU, day two on the ventilator. In the mail that day was a sermon on CD – I said open it and see what it’s about. We both gasped when she read me the title: “The Painful Discipline of the Father”. I said I’m not sure I want to hear that and she agreed…but we decided we should. We didn’t hear nearly all the message on Hebrews 12 that morning, but we heard enough that I remember thinking: could there be some “higher” purpose in pancreatitis? In the timing…in the pain…in the uncertainty of it all? Over the next two weeks, during almost every trip to and from the hospital, I would listen to that sermon, and at night I would read the passage it was based on – “Do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son/daughter. Endure hardship as discipline.” As I read and as I listened, and as I walked on this journey, something began to stir in me. I wondered if all of this was a discipline…a correction…a training; all sent out of love from my Father. So that when I saw changes in family dynamics – positive changes among loved ones, I said, well, some good has come out of this bad thing. When bad habits began being replaced with good habits, in our home and in our lives, I recognized this is good.

The thought that a bad thing may be good really gathered steam when kidney stones led Robert to the urologist and that led to needing a biopsy…and the Dr said I’m not going to do anything about the kidney stones, but I’m so glad you requested an exam.

Then, when Robert’s heart went into a-fib flutter and we ended up in the hospital once again and some serious heart disease was discovered and stents were put in…
Driving home just before midnight, I know right where I was on the highway when I had the thought, this is good…it is so very good that the nodule was found. And now it is soooo good that heart disease was discovered and treated before he had a serious cardiac event. And, wow, this could be two major health issues that may not have been detected if it were not for pancreatitis…wow, this is good. And my very next thought was “pancreatitis is good”…and that jolted me…because that would mean that I can be thankful for pancreatitis. This could mean that God, in His mercy and grace, planned pancreatitis…the timing of it, the severity of it, the cost of it…yes, even the pain of it? What if, out of His love, He gave Robert exactly what he needed, at the exact time and with the exact severity required, in order to “unveil” other issues that needed attention. While at the very same time, He was using it in my life, our children’s’ lives, other lives – to change and fix, train and correct, repair and restore…and he is not finished yet. And that would mean I could take pancreatitis out of my bad things “box” and put it in my good things “box”.
And that’s just scary.
But a “good” scary…not one that makes me panicked or terrified or want to run away and hide, but a “scary” that does make me tremble, and kneel, and fills me with awe as my God appears bigger and bigger…when I let Him out of my “box”.

“Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons…but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in His holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” Hebrews 12:7, 10-11